A Collection of Thoughts
I was sitting in my dining room re-reading the posts I have written in the past and reflecting on them. Reading them made me wonder, “What happened to that girl?” What happened to the girl who was never afraid to be who she was supposed to be and follow her call from God? What happened to the girl whose faith was so strong it felt tangible? Where is she? Is her soul still in Uganda? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that being away from Uganda makes me feel sad sometimes, and at other times, just plain empty.
My main goal is to make you readers realize something. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s hard to follow the calling of God when I am separated from my home. Okay, so maybe you guys have all heard me talk about how I don’t want to go back and live in Uganda, but that isn’t always true. I wish, I wish, I wish that there was some way I could just escape from Malibu and my school and the snobby rich kids and just go back to a time when I was with people that were satisfied with having so little. I want to live the life God wants me to. I want to be that Christian that other Christians go to for advice.
I want, I want, I want. I am selfish and I always want more. For a while, I thought that I was able to be satisfied with wanting nothing, and never think about wanting more “stuff”. But it’s harder than it seems to live selflessly and do everything God wants me to do all the time. People think that our family is special, but really, we’re just an ordinary family who decided to embark on an extraordinary journey. Today I was thinking about what my life would be like if I had never been to Uganda. So many things would be different, and my life would not be as amazing and I wouldn’t have such a strong relationship with God.
If you can understand this, I want to be in Uganda every second of every day, but at the same time, I just can’t. I am forced to stay in the USA and act like another American pre-teen. But, I have the choice to live an extraordinary life for God and also be stuck home at the same time. I’m pretty sure most of these jumbled thoughts are contradicting each other, but, quite frankly, that doesn’t matter to me. I just want you all to hear my thoughts and feelings so you can be praying for me, and that I figure out how to live a life for God while in California.
Thanks for listening to all these jumbled emotions!
God bless, Jennifer Gash
Jennifer, what you are feeling is “normal” for those who live in “our world” but also know that there is so much more in the world. I will be praying for you and am grateful for your post and for your love for all of His people.
Thank you for sharing. It has to be such a challenge to go and live such a different life and then come back to the life you were living before. Maybe it’s like you grew 6 inches but when you came back, you had to put on the same pants you were wearing before.
Keep believing that the great God who took you to Uganda and used you to serve him there is continuing to do a great work in you wherever you are and whether it feels great or not.
Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts.